Again, again.

I can't help feeling awkward and weird. It's not like I don't want a someone to be with by my side. It's not like I'm playing hard to get. I can't get this feeling out of me that is beginning to eat me away.

It's not like I'm brought up in a broken family. It's not that I've seen many failed relationships. It's not like I myself have undergone any failed relationships.

It's just weird. And uncomfortable.

I don't want to lose another one that I cared for deeply. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to do things and regret later. I don't want to look back six years later and regret every action that I have taken. I don't want to plunge myself into something I know I have no courage to seek it up later. I lack courage, I lack everything needed to go a step more. For every step forward, I took two steps back. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me and this stupid psychological barrier of mine.

I deeply regretted everything that I've done six years ago. I wish I can go back and change everything. Yet, time waits for no one and all I can do now is to mourn about what I've lost and that I would never get it back, ever again.

I've changed a lot since six years ago. I've become a lot more confident and outspoken since six years ago. But yet nothing seemed to have changed. The shadow remains, a shadow that never seems to fade no matter what angle the sun is shinning at. I cannot come up with more excuses for myself. It isn't right. It just isn't.

But yet, what is right? I can't remove my thoughts, what I'm terrified of, what I don't want to do. I can't do anymore things with the brain and the heart. Then compare me to a mechanical robot. What differences could there be? Nothing, plain nothing.